WHY every time I think of her I cry

So my friend is pregnant. She is officially 14 weeks as of last Friday. We already knew for a while; well, maybe not knew but definitely suspected. She stopped drinking a while ago, and recently would abruptly change the subject whenever anyone mentioned a baby or a pregnancy. It was clear.

We got pregnant before them and encouraged them to start trying so we could be pregnant together. Now she is pregnant and I am not.

I am happy for them, very, very happy, I really am! So WHY every time I think of her I cry?!

Is it because she is already 14 weeks, and I don't even know how it feels? Is it because she will read my pregnancy books even before I will? Is it because they will already have their baby when we only will be able to start trying?

It should be me! I should be 14 weeks, heck, I should be 33 weeks now! I should be deciding on the baby's name! I should be the one who answers all the pregnancy questions, not the one who asks!

I thought I was over it. I don't cry when I see babies on TV anymore. I look at my pregnant cousins pictures and smile. I even went to another friend's baby shower and wasn't sad at all. So WHY every time I think of her I cry?!

The 'usually' days and the 'sometimes' days

I am usually fine talking about babies. Especially sharing au-pair stories (I was one) with my coworker who has a 12-months old or my boss who has an 11-months old. When should I start feeding him adult food? Is it ok if he still doesn't walk? What do I do when he "pushes my buttons"? Even though I do not have one of my own, I feel very passionate about raising children.

I am usually not so bad seeing pregnant women, especially friends and family members. The happiness just shines from them and they look so cute in their little pregnancy blouses. Or speculating with other friends whether so-and-so is pregnant just not telling yet, as she wasn't drinking at the Super Bowl party.

I am usually ok looking at ultrasound pictures. Trying to figure out where the heck the baby's head is and then seeing the subtitle: "the leg". :) Or the 3D ones, where babies look like little play-dough creatures, with their smooth little noses and chubby little hands.

But that's usually. And sometimes it's all different.

Sometimes every glance at a pregnant woman makes me think that I will never be able to feel what she feels. The morning sickness, the back pain, the weight gain, the tiredness. The happiness.

Sometimes the bare mention of an ultrasound brings up memories from the doomed day we found out that our baby was dead. The confusion on my husband face and the tears in his eyes. The hospital, D&C, and the weeks of crying after.

Somtimes I think that the 6 months wait will never end. And even if it does, I will get a HCG rise on my last blood draw and will need more chemo. And even when I make it through to the end of the wait, we will never get pregnant again because of my age. And even if we somehow manage to get pregnant after months or years of trying, it will be another molar because my eggs are all messed up anyway.

And then I come online, all feeling sorry for myself, and read. And I see the stories of girls loosing their babies at 20 or 30 weeks or even later. Girls dealing with HCG rising, going through hard core chemo for several months, switching to even more hard core chemo, having crazy side effects. Or the ones who are finally negative but now are sentenced to not 6 but 12 long months of waiting. And I feel that I should be actually thankful and happy because I got out easily! But it's so hard to feel happy on the sometimes day.

UGH

First, my cousin's wife posted on FB a beautiful picture of herself with her big belly (she is due in April, 3 days after my MP EDD).

Then, another cousin posted on FB a 3D ultrasound picture of their little girl, due in May.

And then my coworker announced that his wife is pregnant due in June. I will be seeing her on another coworker's wedding in April, a few days after my MP EDD, all pregnant and round. They will have the baby BEFORE we can even TTC!!

UGH...

The last six months of my life story told in numbers

This is the story of the last six months of my life told in numbers. It wasn't easy but (hopefully) it is over.

9/17/2009 - 10w6d, baby measuring 6w, :(

9/18 - D&C. No suspicion of Molar Pregnancy.

Bleed for about 4 days, spotted for another week.

10/05 - follow up appointment - everything looking good, cleared to TTC in December

10/30 - still no AF, positive HPT

11/04 - Hcg 373, U/S showed 3.5cm tissue missed, found out that it was Partial Molar Pregnancy. My hcg levels should have been monitored until they go down to 0, but they haven't been, because nobody suspected Molar Pregnancy. MP may cause cancer; I will probably go under chemo therapy. Either way, we'll have to wait to TTC for several months, maybe even a year!

11/10 - Gynecologist-oncologist appointment.

I was given a choice of another D&C (which may cause scarring of uterus causing problems getting pregnant again) or chemo. We chose chemo. I got my 1st Methotrexate shot. I will have those weekly, followed by weekly blood tests.

11/13 - Hcg 220

11/17 - 2nd Metho shot

11/20 - Hcg 51

11/25 - AF

11/24 - 3rd Metho shot

11/30 - Hcg 19

12/1 - 4th Metho shot

12/7 - Hcg 19 (freaking out)

12/8 - 5th Metho shot

12/11 - Hcg 15

12/15 - 6th Metho shot

12/18 Hcg 11

12/22 - 7th Metho shot

12/23 - AF

12/28 - Hcg 2 - I AM NEGATIVE (big drop correlated with AF)

12/29 - 8th Metho shot

1/4/2010 - Hcg 2

1/5 - 9th (LAST) Metho shot

1/11 - Hcg 3 (freaking out)

1/18 - Hcg < 2

1/25 - Hcg < 2

2/1 - Hcg < 2

2/2 - Dr. appointment, moved to monthly blood tests, cleared to TTC in July 2010