I am 7w1d today. Last time this day we learned that our baby didn't survive. Today I don't feel as tired as usually (I don't feel tired at all, really, even though we went to sleep at 2 am last night!!) and my boobs seem to be a bit less sore. I am having a bad day. Four more days till ultrasound on Friday. If it's not going to work again, I know how it's going to be and I am NOT looking forward to it. The sadness, the anger, the disappointment. The messed up weight and cycles. The waiting, the planning, the hoping again. I am not sure how much more of this I can take. All together I've been 7 months pregnant, I want to finally have my baby!
I am writing and crying. I am just so exhausted of this constant anxiety, stress, and being unsure. Please, be Friday already! I just want to know! No matter what the result is, I just want to know! Either way!
Monday, January 17, 2011
Friday, January 14, 2011
6w5d: Just mumbling
I am 6w5d today. Hopefully. Only one more week till the u/s. I am pretty darn nauseous and my boobs are killing me. Good feeling! Yes, pregnancy turns normal women into freaks.
One girl on the board said that this stage sucks, because nobody knows that you are pregnant and what you are going through, you are pretty sick but if you don't throw up (like me) everyone thinks you are fine. But you are not. You feel like you are going to throw up but you can't. It's like a constant hangover.
I want fruit. I am really craving fruit, just like both times before. Geez, I would pay $100 for a handful of grapes right now! And a pineapple! I had a small side of fruit salad for lunch. I ate it so fast it probably looked wired; I couldn't stop stuffing my face with it.
30 more minutes and I am officially done working for today. And for the week, actually! But DH just called that he is only leaving the house now. He still needs to stop by the grocery store for the grapes and pineapple (and oranges and bananas), so he's not going to be here for a while. I want my fruit!
OMG, I found some apple sauce in my cabinet! Yummmmm!!!! :)
Now, I am going to post a picture of what my baby MIGHT look like today (assuming everything is fine down there). Isn't s/he beautiful?!
One girl on the board said that this stage sucks, because nobody knows that you are pregnant and what you are going through, you are pretty sick but if you don't throw up (like me) everyone thinks you are fine. But you are not. You feel like you are going to throw up but you can't. It's like a constant hangover.
I want fruit. I am really craving fruit, just like both times before. Geez, I would pay $100 for a handful of grapes right now! And a pineapple! I had a small side of fruit salad for lunch. I ate it so fast it probably looked wired; I couldn't stop stuffing my face with it.
30 more minutes and I am officially done working for today. And for the week, actually! But DH just called that he is only leaving the house now. He still needs to stop by the grocery store for the grapes and pineapple (and oranges and bananas), so he's not going to be here for a while. I want my fruit!
OMG, I found some apple sauce in my cabinet! Yummmmm!!!! :)
Now, I am going to post a picture of what my baby MIGHT look like today (assuming everything is fine down there). Isn't s/he beautiful?!
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
6w2d: Blah day
Ok, it's a blah day but this is pretty darn exciting: I just found out that someone actually saw my blog (note: "saw", not necessarily "read")! Wow! I am not sure how I feel knowing that there is actually someone who may at some point read this. I mean, I am happy, but is it going to make me shy? What if this person actually knows me? And learns all about my secrets?
Ok, lets stop the paranoia. :) Today I am 6w2d. It's kind of weird saying that because I know that there is a chance, and it's not even that small, that my baby is no longer alive. While I go on a my merry pregnant way completely unaware. Should I pretend that I am not worried, and hope that at one point I will convince myself that there is nothing to worry about? Ugh. I guess for now I will just be happy that I am nauseous, have a crazy heartburn, that my boobs hurt, that I have to wash my hair 3x as often as before, that I am so bloated I don't fit in my pants any more, and that I am so tired I sleep 12 hours a day and when I am not asleep, I can't concentrate anyway. And just FYI, I am not complaining, I am actually happy I have all this to remind me that there is a small tiny little chance that in 8 months, I will actually have a baby.
The second blood work results came back. I was 22433 last Friday. That means the numbers double every 83 h or so. Not great, but according the this website: http://www.ehow.com/how_5611254_interpret-hcg-levels.html and my doctor, not bad either.
Ok, have to take a nap before my boss comes back from a meeting.
Ok, lets stop the paranoia. :) Today I am 6w2d. It's kind of weird saying that because I know that there is a chance, and it's not even that small, that my baby is no longer alive. While I go on a my merry pregnant way completely unaware. Should I pretend that I am not worried, and hope that at one point I will convince myself that there is nothing to worry about? Ugh. I guess for now I will just be happy that I am nauseous, have a crazy heartburn, that my boobs hurt, that I have to wash my hair 3x as often as before, that I am so bloated I don't fit in my pants any more, and that I am so tired I sleep 12 hours a day and when I am not asleep, I can't concentrate anyway. And just FYI, I am not complaining, I am actually happy I have all this to remind me that there is a small tiny little chance that in 8 months, I will actually have a baby.
The second blood work results came back. I was 22433 last Friday. That means the numbers double every 83 h or so. Not great, but according the this website: http://www.ehow.com/how_5611254_interpret-hcg-levels.html and my doctor, not bad either.
Ok, have to take a nap before my boss comes back from a meeting.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
5w4d: I almost forgot!
We are 99% done with our bathroom renovations. It looks absolutely B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L! All we need now is the tub door. We have it already, it only needs to be installed. Unfortunately there are some difficulties with the installation but nothing we can't overcome. I hope we will be totally done by the end of the weekend.
One thing has been making me feel guilty today. There are two girls on MP board that are miscarrying. I feel so sorry for them as I know the feeling is - went through it myself, twice. But a part of me is thinking: betters statistical chances for me! And then I feel horrible for even having that thought! :(
Today I am 5 weeks 4 days. Does it really matter though? I may stop feeling any pregnancy symptoms tomorrow! Or may find out on Monday that my blood test showed decreasing hCG. Or may go to my 7w5d ultrasound and discover that there is no baby! Ugh,, think positive!
One thing has been making me feel guilty today. There are two girls on MP board that are miscarrying. I feel so sorry for them as I know the feeling is - went through it myself, twice. But a part of me is thinking: betters statistical chances for me! And then I feel horrible for even having that thought! :(
Today I am 5 weeks 4 days. Does it really matter though? I may stop feeling any pregnancy symptoms tomorrow! Or may find out on Monday that my blood test showed decreasing hCG. Or may go to my 7w5d ultrasound and discover that there is no baby! Ugh,, think positive!
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
5w2d: Magic Number
is: 10138. At 5w1d LMP (or 23 dpo) it's a bit high but not molar-high. Another good day (despite a fight with DH). We'll see what MAgic Number Friday brings us.
DH wants to go skiing this weekend and I am not sure (although that's not what the fight was about). I was all for it first but then I saw a picture on my friend's broken leg (already put together and sown in but nevertheless scary) and I started having doubts. Also, the little sheet from the dr's office says in the big letters: "No snow or water skiing." But then I did some research and the most concern is usually being put on the fall. I am a pretty good skier (not great, but pretty good) and I don't usually fall. I haven't had a fall even once at least the last two seasons. Plus, that early (<12 weeks) the baby is all cosied up behind pelvic bone so no fall can really harm it. And I would be staying off the black or even blue if necessary, just green trails for me! My biggest concern is that IF I fall and break a leg (or anything else for that matter) they will have to do an x-ray etc.
10 min later:
So I researched the x-rays during pregnancy and it surprisingly turns out that it's not such a big deal. The amount of radiation used in today's x-ray machines is very small, plus, if they know you are pregnant, they will put an apron on your belly that will protect the fetus.
We are going skiing! :)
As for the symptoms: boobs - can barely touch them. Tired - slept almost 8h and already sleepy around noon. Nauseous when hungry. And bloated, since BEFORE breakfast.
DH wants to go skiing this weekend and I am not sure (although that's not what the fight was about). I was all for it first but then I saw a picture on my friend's broken leg (already put together and sown in but nevertheless scary) and I started having doubts. Also, the little sheet from the dr's office says in the big letters: "No snow or water skiing." But then I did some research and the most concern is usually being put on the fall. I am a pretty good skier (not great, but pretty good) and I don't usually fall. I haven't had a fall even once at least the last two seasons. Plus, that early (<12 weeks) the baby is all cosied up behind pelvic bone so no fall can really harm it. And I would be staying off the black or even blue if necessary, just green trails for me! My biggest concern is that IF I fall and break a leg (or anything else for that matter) they will have to do an x-ray etc.
10 min later:
So I researched the x-rays during pregnancy and it surprisingly turns out that it's not such a big deal. The amount of radiation used in today's x-ray machines is very small, plus, if they know you are pregnant, they will put an apron on your belly that will protect the fetus.
We are going skiing! :)
As for the symptoms: boobs - can barely touch them. Tired - slept almost 8h and already sleepy around noon. Nauseous when hungry. And bloated, since BEFORE breakfast.
Monday, January 3, 2011
5w1d: I think I found HIM
The Best Doctor On Earth, that is. If after having two miscarriages you were pregnant again (5w1d), and on the first visit your doctor said: "Come in any time for a blood work or conversation, whenever you feel you need to!", wouldn't you love him/her? Well, that's what my new doctor said. He also suggested another B/W at the end of the week (I had first done today) and U/S and OB check mid-month. IF not bleeding. If bleeding occurs - call and come in immediately. So I am going back for the B/W this Friday, and for the U/S on Friday three weeks from now. I will be 7w5d then so we should see a big bean and a strong HB. Fingers crossed.
I also had my acupuncture today. My pulse is still VERY weak. Doc said that it may be because of the pregnancy; whatever energy and blood is created by the acu and herbs, is being "spent on the pregnancy." That was actually my idea too. I am to continue the Ten Flavor and Five Ancestors, and now come in for treatment only once a week. He also put two needles in my face today, for cleansing the sinuses (I have been congested due to a cold for the last 10 days or so). My nose already feels better. :)
Another good news is that I am still at 158 lbs!! Well, that's 7 lbs more than when I got pregnant first time a year and a half ago. But after two miscarriages and the 9 weeks of chemo, I still think I am in a good place. Plus, I haven't worked out for almost two weeks! I am so glad that I didn't gain anything during this time. I was worried that I have already gained at least a couple of pounds and I will have to start with loosing it. And I know I shouldn't do that now, when I am pregnant.
All in all, good day today. I hope my hood mood lasts another two and a half weeks, until the U/S! And I really hope it's not going to get messed up by the B/W results tomorrow!
I also had my acupuncture today. My pulse is still VERY weak. Doc said that it may be because of the pregnancy; whatever energy and blood is created by the acu and herbs, is being "spent on the pregnancy." That was actually my idea too. I am to continue the Ten Flavor and Five Ancestors, and now come in for treatment only once a week. He also put two needles in my face today, for cleansing the sinuses (I have been congested due to a cold for the last 10 days or so). My nose already feels better. :)
Another good news is that I am still at 158 lbs!! Well, that's 7 lbs more than when I got pregnant first time a year and a half ago. But after two miscarriages and the 9 weeks of chemo, I still think I am in a good place. Plus, I haven't worked out for almost two weeks! I am so glad that I didn't gain anything during this time. I was worried that I have already gained at least a couple of pounds and I will have to start with loosing it. And I know I shouldn't do that now, when I am pregnant.
All in all, good day today. I hope my hood mood lasts another two and a half weeks, until the U/S! And I really hope it's not going to get messed up by the B/W results tomorrow!
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
4w2d: Mood swings? You must be joking!
If mood swings are a pregnancy symptom, maybe I'm having twins! At the very moment I am writing this, I am so happy I can barely contain myself. I am so happy I wanna scream that I am going to have a baby! Just a couple of hours ago I had this weird feeling that this pregnancy will not be successful but the next one will be. I was calm and content, but with this weird feeling. An hour before that I almost cried squeezing the heck out of my boobs as they seemed just slightly less sore than this morning. Mood Swings is my middle name!
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