7w5d: Happy again!

The ultrasound went excellent! Baby measured 8w1d (I am 7w5d according to LMP) and had a strong heart beat of 185 bpm. I am starting to believe this little bean actually has a chance!

I have to admit I was a total basket case on the way to the doctor. I couldn't help it and cried all the way there, until we got in the elevator. I didn't sleep well last night either, and now I am exhausted. Exhausted but happy, very happy. :)

We also got a pic of our cutie:



It feels so weird when I realize that the baby is a totally separate human being. A start of its own person with own feelings and opinions. Even though s/he lives inside me, s/he is not, really, a part of me! Just incredible!

7w2d: Back to normal (and acu story)

I am out of it. The girls on the board sometimes call it "pregnancy brain". How could I even make this mistake (I am talking about my last post)? Last time at 7w1d we heard a heart beat of 111bpm and saw a baby measuring 6w3d! We were very happy (for a few days, at least)! It's two weeks later that we found out the baby didn't grow past 6w5d.

Yesterday I was worried because my tiredness went away and I wasn't sleepy. I stayed up till 2 am on Sunday night (well, I did lay down for about an hour and a half that afternoon) and wasn't tired at my "other work" during the day yesterday. But today, let me tell you. I already snoozed for 20 minutes and I am yawning like there is no tomorrow. I really wish I could lay down and fall asleep!

Ups! My boss just came in and gave me a small task to do; this woke me up. :)

Also happy to announce that my boobs are still hurting and the fact that they are SUPER sensitive is probably an accomplishment of a new, more comfortable bra purchased on Sunday. Also, I am feeling pretty sick now even though I am not hungry. It used to be that I had a heartburn when not hungry, now it is nausea all the time. And as far as the sudden release of constipation (which happened last night and totally convinced me that my baby didn't survive), I was off my regular herbal supplement from my acu doctor (I ran out of them on Saturday morning). I bet my digestive system was affected by it at least a little bit.

One more thing. I always forget to write about my acupuncture, I don't think I ever did, actually. So here is the story.

I decided to try acupuncture after reading so much about it on the board and in fertility related books. I have never liked regular doctors, because they always tried to give me things to remove the effects of whatever was wrong with my body. Oh, you have a headache? Why don't you take a painkiller! Oh, your foot hurts? It's inflamed, stay off it for a while and if it doesn't help, you can get a cortisone shot which will take care of the inflammation. But there has never been a question WHY there is headache or WHY there is inflammation. I always knew that pain was my body's way of telling me that something is wrong and that my body needs me to do something or it needs me to stop doing something. I wanted my doctor to have the same approach. Wanted him/her to help me figure out what may be the problem, instead of trying to quiet down my body when it's asking for help. Same applied to fertility. I don't want to do IVF. I want to change whatever needs to be changed so that my body can produce good and healthy eggs and sustain good and healthy environment for a growing baby. I really hope I can succeed.

I did my research and found several acupuncture places nearby that either specialized in or at least treated infertility. There were also a few that helped with fertility. Those are the ones I decided to call. Again, I didn't need another person to tell me that I am infertile because my eggs are old and it's only a slim chance that I may have a baby in the future. I needed positive thinking.

I called three places. The first lady was a one-person practice a few blocks from where we live. However, even though it would be very convenient, when I spoke with her on the phone, we didn't really "clicked". Called another lady. We "clicked" a bit better and I actually made an appointment. We spoke on the phone for good 20 minutes; I told her briefly my history, and she told me what her approach was. She suggested (as she suggests all women she treats for fertility issues) to stop TTC during the first three months of the treatment. Her explanation was that it takes about 100 days for an egg to mature, which is the time she needs to help it mature properly. So why conceive with bad eggs before! And here I got her, again, negative energy, assumption that my eggs are no good. I was fighting with my thoughts for a few days and finally decided to find another person. I guess it didn't help that this woman was taking her patients in a massage salon.

My next call was to a clinic that specializes in acupuncture, chiropractic, and physical therapy. I read the bio of the doctors who specialize on fertility and made a call. That was Friday. I had my first treatment on Monday.

The main difference between my Acu doctor and the western medicine doctors I've meet before (I went through six only since we started TTC) that a good chunk of the visit is spent on talking to the patient. He writes down pretty much everything I tell him and next time I am there, he asks follow up questions about those things. Did it change? If so, for better or for worse? When and on what occasion did I notice the change? Can this change be related to anything else? Etc. He also tells me what he things is in issue and actually asks if I think he is right! He said to me once that he can only read my pulse and my tong (that's what they observe every visit) but majority of information he expects to get from me, simply telling him how and what I feel. I love it that he actually encourages me to listen to my body!

I should probably finish for today. I will write about what happens every visit some other time. For now, my boobs are sore like crazy, even the new bra isn't helping any more. I am so happy! :)

7w1d: Feeling blue

I am 7w1d today. Last time this day we learned that our baby didn't survive. Today I don't feel as tired as usually (I don't feel tired at all, really, even though we went to sleep at 2 am last night!!) and my boobs seem to be a bit less sore. I am having a bad day. Four more days till ultrasound on Friday. If it's not going to work again, I know how it's going to be and I am NOT looking forward to it. The sadness, the anger, the disappointment. The messed up weight and cycles. The waiting, the planning, the hoping again. I am not sure how much more of this I can take. All together I've been 7 months pregnant, I want to finally have my baby!

I am writing and crying. I am just so exhausted of this constant anxiety, stress, and being unsure. Please, be Friday already! I just want to know! No matter what the result is, I just want to know! Either way!

6w5d: Just mumbling

I am 6w5d today. Hopefully. Only one more week till the u/s. I am pretty darn nauseous and my boobs are killing me. Good feeling! Yes, pregnancy turns normal women into freaks.

One girl on the board said that this stage sucks, because nobody knows that you are pregnant and what you are going through, you are pretty sick but if you don't throw up (like me) everyone thinks you are fine. But you are not. You feel like you are going to throw up but you can't. It's like a constant hangover.

I want fruit. I am really craving fruit, just like both times before. Geez, I would pay $100 for a handful of grapes right now! And a pineapple! I had a small side of fruit salad for lunch. I ate it so fast it probably looked wired; I couldn't stop stuffing my face with it.

30 more minutes and I am officially done working for today. And for the week, actually! But DH just called that he is only leaving the house now. He still needs to stop by the grocery store for the grapes and pineapple (and oranges and bananas), so he's not going to be here for a while. I want my fruit!

OMG, I found some apple sauce in my cabinet! Yummmmm!!!! :)

Now, I am going to post a picture of what my baby MIGHT look like today (assuming everything is fine down there). Isn't s/he beautiful?!

6w2d: Blah day

Ok, it's a blah day but this is pretty darn exciting: I just found out that someone actually saw my blog (note: "saw", not necessarily "read")! Wow! I am not sure how I feel knowing that there is actually someone who may at some point read this. I mean, I am happy, but is it going to make me shy? What if this person actually knows me? And learns all about my secrets?

Ok, lets stop the paranoia. :) Today I am 6w2d. It's kind of weird saying that because I know that there is a chance, and it's not even that small, that my baby is no longer alive. While I go on a my merry pregnant way completely unaware. Should I pretend that I am not worried, and hope that at one point I will convince myself that there is nothing to worry about? Ugh. I guess for now I will just be happy that I am nauseous, have a crazy heartburn, that my boobs hurt, that I have to wash my hair 3x as often as before, that I am so bloated I don't fit in my pants any more, and that I am so tired I sleep 12 hours a day and when I am not asleep, I can't concentrate anyway. And just FYI, I am not complaining, I am actually happy I have all this to remind me that there is a small tiny little chance that in 8 months, I will actually have a baby.

The second blood work results came back. I was 22433 last Friday. That means the numbers double every 83 h or so. Not great, but according the this website: http://www.ehow.com/how_5611254_interpret-hcg-levels.html and my doctor, not bad either.

Ok, have to take a nap before my boss comes back from a meeting.

5w4d: I almost forgot!

We are 99% done with our bathroom renovations. It looks absolutely B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L! All we need now is the tub door. We have it already, it only needs to be installed. Unfortunately there are some difficulties with the installation but nothing we can't overcome. I hope we will be totally done by the end of the weekend.



One thing has been making me feel guilty today. There are two girls on MP board that are miscarrying. I feel so sorry for them as I know the feeling is - went through it myself, twice. But a part of me is thinking: betters statistical chances for me! And then I feel horrible for even having that thought! :(

Today I am 5 weeks 4 days. Does it really matter though? I may stop feeling any pregnancy symptoms tomorrow! Or may find out on Monday that my blood test showed decreasing hCG. Or may go to my 7w5d ultrasound and discover that there is no baby! Ugh,, think positive!

5w2d: Magic Number

is: 10138. At 5w1d LMP (or 23 dpo) it's a bit high but not molar-high. Another good day (despite a fight with DH). We'll see what MAgic Number Friday brings us.

DH wants to go skiing this weekend and I am not sure (although that's not what the fight was about). I was all for it first but then I saw a picture on my friend's broken leg (already put together and sown in but nevertheless scary) and I started having doubts. Also, the little sheet from the dr's office says in the big letters: "No snow or water skiing." But then I did some research and the most concern is usually being put on the fall. I am a pretty good skier (not great, but pretty good) and I don't usually fall. I haven't had a fall even once at least the last two seasons. Plus, that early (<12 weeks) the baby is all cosied up behind pelvic bone so no fall can really harm it. And I would be staying off the black or even blue if necessary, just green trails for me! My biggest concern is that IF I fall and break a leg (or anything else for that matter) they will have to do an x-ray etc.

10 min later:
So I researched the x-rays during pregnancy and it surprisingly turns out that it's not such a big deal. The amount of radiation used in today's x-ray machines is very small, plus, if they know you are pregnant, they will put an apron on your belly that will protect the fetus.

We are going skiing! :)

As for the symptoms: boobs - can barely touch them. Tired - slept almost 8h and already sleepy around noon. Nauseous when hungry. And bloated, since BEFORE breakfast.

5w1d: I think I found HIM

The Best Doctor On Earth, that is. If after having two miscarriages you were pregnant again (5w1d), and on the first visit your doctor said: "Come in any time for a blood work or conversation, whenever you feel you need to!", wouldn't you love him/her? Well, that's what my new doctor said. He also suggested another B/W at the end of the week (I had first done today) and U/S and OB check mid-month. IF not bleeding. If bleeding occurs - call and come in immediately. So I am going back for the B/W this Friday, and for the U/S on Friday three weeks from now. I will be 7w5d then so we should see a big bean and a strong HB. Fingers crossed.

I also had my acupuncture today. My pulse is still VERY weak. Doc said that it may be because of the pregnancy; whatever energy and blood is created by the acu and herbs, is being "spent on the pregnancy." That was actually my idea too. I am to continue the Ten Flavor and Five Ancestors, and now come in for treatment only once a week. He also put two needles in my face today, for cleansing the sinuses (I have been congested due to a cold for the last 10 days or so). My nose already feels better. :)

Another good news is that I am still at 158 lbs!! Well, that's 7 lbs more than when I got pregnant first time a year and a half ago. But after two miscarriages and the 9 weeks of chemo, I still think I am in a good place. Plus, I haven't worked out for almost two weeks! I am so glad that I didn't gain anything during this time. I was worried that I have already gained at least a couple of pounds and I will have to start with loosing it. And I know I shouldn't do that now, when I am pregnant.

All in all, good day today. I hope my hood mood lasts another two and a half weeks, until the U/S! And I really hope it's not going to get messed up by the B/W results tomorrow!